A SHOWER...

Holy *@T?$^* Batman! Its been a long time. After sincere reflection, I'm re-emerging on the Blog Scene. Why would I do this since certain people predict the end is near? 10 days from now? REALLY! Come on... The answer is simple: FREE THERAPY. Ha! When I express my thoughts, prayers and rants here, I feel like I've had a shot of eppi to the heart ala Pulp Fiction style. Bare with me as I wash off the cobwebs in my memory warehouse.

• What has happened to Obama? I know America still approves of him, but I'm so disillusioned. Watching him as he addresses the nation, I instantly want a root canal. His muddled messages are lost and does he NOT understand that the President of the United States of America should not use the word "um" as his message is broadcast globally? Really? Listening to his words that follow "let me be clear" leaves me uneasy. I was once ridiculed for supporting this man and his vision of CHANGE. Maybe now all those nasty people were right? SHAVING AND BRUSHING TEETH...
• Usama Bin Ladin is dead. Fine. Al-Qaida is not. But as we all rejoice, I still think we should put all that jubliant energy to securing and increasing a sustainable food and water supply for ourselves and neighbors. Watch each way lil'chicks as you cross the road. TURNING ON THE WATER...
• For those of us who are so fortunate to live in KingPin Ron Moore's domain, it's time for a major ass scrubbing of the Buncombe County Courthouse. WATER STILL COLD...
• What in the hell is the APD and BCSD up to? Are they all running around using misplaced evidence and snorting dough? Please check out this new blog: apdaccountabity.wordpress.com. LUKE WARM - STEPPING IN THE STREAM...
• Mother's Day 2011. I reread my post two years ago here. So much misunderstanding and despair but mingled with grief and love. Clarity reigns now. Momma is proud. :-) DON'T DROP THE SOAP...
• I decided these humble dwellings of mine needed an update. Paint and lots of it. Think now up to 6 gallons with two-thirds of the house to go. Bye bye 70's sunshine yellow and welcome milk chocolate and red. Painting is therapeutic except when one of your pets decides he wants to paint also. LATHERING...
• Reading a really intriguing novel now. Nine Days In Heaven. I agree with critics, and the novels' re-teller, every1 on the planet should pick this up and absorb it before they meet their Maker. Re-told by Dennis & Noleen Price. SCRUBBING...
• Still unemployed. Still receiving unemployment benefits. Still job searching. My one year "Anniversary of Separation" is on this Thursday, 5/12. Ideas on how to celebrate would be welcomed and possibly awarded with a prize for the most fitting. DON"T FORGET BETWEEN THE TOES...
• My knees. So sick of talking or explaining. Sick of being scanned and prodded. But, LET ME BE CLEAR, my knees are healing and I have adjusted to a certain amount of discomfort. Can anyone say arthritis? CONDITIONING & RINSING...
• I have been away from my worshiping family at Breakthrough Church for too long now. I have not waivered in faith, but have intentionally avoided one of the main body's focus: bringing people anywhere there to worship God- no patty cake claps allowed. BUT, it starts with me. Speak Words of Life not Death. Go. Get involved. Worship. Check it: btchurch.cc. WHEREZ THE TOWEL...
• As I was contemplating my next entry, I thought of one of my journals, chronicling my life June 1, 1987-February 14, 1994, nearly seven years of my life. I wanted a quote Maggie Lauterer wrote on the inside cover just before she gave it to me the night of my high school graduation. From the moment I opened this book, I've been transported back to some good, and a lot of bad. Here is her inscription from Oliver Wendell Holmes: "Some trees grow very tall and straight and large in the forest close together. But some must stand by themselves or they won't grow at all." SATISFIED...

As I roll over in my mind that last point and this book, I'm dumbfounded and speechless. And hey, if you know me, I am never without words. I'm going to pick it up and read it cover to cover. Its a strange feeling like I'm being taught by my minds' reflection in a mirror. As I study, I will remain clean or perhaps put it away and take a shower and wash it all away.

W

CH-CH-Change...

Changes are coming soon.......W

A Long Day....

In the last 96 hours I have helped carry a family that carried a body to the grave, watch in great upset many football follies, witness the degeneration of someone I love deeply, have my sister cuss me in tongues and realize life is only as important as I make it. God has a plan. I need the instructions. I guarantee - HE will provide. Otherwise, I want my money back!

Blogreguvine

Ok .. Today my friend E launched a blog. It is awesome. His addy is: http://ericmightberight.blogspot.com/ .

Read and enjoy. Think what God does for us each day.

W

New Beginnings

This Blog will take a Centrist look at Asheville. More to come....

SOMETHING OLD N SOMETHING NEW...

You didn't get mad when the Supreme Court stopped a legal recount and appointed a President.You didn't get mad when Cheney allowed Energy company officials to dictate energy policy.You didn't get mad when a covert CIA operative got outed.You didn't get mad when the Patriot Act got passed.You didn't get mad when we illegally invaded a country that posed no threat to us.You didn't get mad when we spent over 600 billion(and counting) on said illegal war.You didn't get mad when over 10 billion dollars just disappeared in Iraq.You didn't get mad when you found out we were torturing people.You didn't get mad when the government was illegally wiretapping Americans.You didn't get mad when we didn't catch Bin Laden.You didn't get mad when you saw the horrible conditions at Walter Reed.You didn't get mad when we let a major US city, New Orleans, drown.You didn't get mad when we gave a 900 billion tax break to the rich.You didn't get mad when the deficit hit the trillion dollar mark.You finally got mad when the government decided that people in America deserved the right to see a doctor if they are sick. Yes, illegal wars, lies, corruption, torture, stealing your tax dollars to make the rich richer, are all okay with you, but helping other Americans...oh hell no.

The Tranny Nun

I got to tell you - I LOVE downtown Asheville ! I spent the better part of Friday evening chasing the "Tranny Nun"! Hilarious! I'm headed back this week for more. Look for pics of ther Nun, mimes, etc.

CATHERINE ANGULES SENTZ HALL 1930-2003

BELOVED MOTHER

Today is not a good day for me. I have cried and  I feel empty inside.

Today is MDay. I went to work. I went to church. I am numb. Totally numb. I laugh aloud at hysterical, random BS and then I cry for memories and opportunities lost with my Mom.

Grief and the Devil are my number one enemies. It seems they manifest themselves in my soul on occasions that was always "Mom Time."You know how it is: holidays, etc. It seems innocent in the beginning but after an hour or two I'm totally enveloped in darkness, anger, grief, desolation and LONELINESS! 

Loneliness is probably the catalyst. I work alot and wall myself off from friends and family when I know the DAY is coming. I went to church today in hopes that I "would put on the armour of God". I did. But when I got home, all alone, Satan stripped it from me like I was his whore. When you peer into the darkest recesses of your soul, how can I say it politely, IT IS TERRIFYING! 

Grief has a hold on me today. My Mom was such a kind, dignified, assertive, caring (too caring) and beautiful woman. My life totally changed first for the worst when she had her stroke in the early 90's. Such a proud, educated, humorous and compassionate woman reduced to an invalid in a wheelchair for the remainder of her life.

We made it the best we could. I finally accepted her prognosis and got away from the shitty thought patterns of "I can't stand to go see her like that in a nursing home".  I got my family to keep her involved in our lives whether it would be going there or bringing her home to us. Sometimes I needed shoulders to cry on and prodding to do his but I did. But you know what - Mom was happy when we spent time with her. And I was happy too.

It was hard to watch her die. I had warning. We came back to Asheville and held a bedside vigil for 4 days.I had to convince my sister that it was okay to let her go - ie: morphine OD. She could never be who she was. She was such an outspoken, radiant and loving soul. No one can hold a candle to her then or now.

She died on Friday, October 10, 2003 at 3:30AM in the Vascular Care Unit at St. Joseph's Hospital with Linda and I at her side. Her imprisonment had ended but my sentance of grief and remorse had begun. I'll never forget driving home at 5AM that morning in shock and getting a call from the funeral home asking permission to embalm her remains. Callous - efficient - who knows.

Funeral Mass & Graveside - I think-wiped from my mind for my own good. Even though I spoke of her passionately.

I have never disclosed some of these details to anyone - save one. Thank you for being there. I wouldn't have survived without you.

But nearly 6 years later, I hurt. It's not a dull pain but sharp and full of agony. 

My Mother never got to see me saved in church. I used to blame GOD for her condition and ultimate death. My selfishness once again. My church is an awesome place. I have seen prayers, healings and general miracles I never saw in a catholic church. She would be proud of me getting involved and worshipping the way its supposed to be.

Pastor N said today that he looked out among us and there were people there not wanting to "live" (grab the reigns and worship with all your heart) but "die" (little patty cake claps and praises). I want to LIVE. 

Mom - it saddens me I never gave you a grandchild. It was God's will. I wasn't ready. Today - I am a very different man. I'm older and wiser, but I still carry your heart in my chest. It is my sincere hope that God will banish the darkness attacking me today and allow me to do HIS will for HIS KINGDOM. I believe I will be a father one day.

Momma, you know how much I loved you and still  do today. But the pain and self destruction must stop. I cannot live in the shoulda and coulda's and despair and regret. I always promised you I will make you proud. Today that is my testimony.

I have rambled but I needed this. Blogging -  free therapy. May God bless all who read this and may my Mom's smile light up the heavens and chase away my demons!

W