Today is not a good day for me. I have cried and I feel empty inside.
Today is MDay. I went to work. I went to church. I am numb. Totally numb. I laugh aloud at hysterical, random BS and then I cry for memories and opportunities lost with my Mom.
Grief and the Devil are my number one enemies. It seems they manifest themselves in my soul on occasions that was always "Mom Time."You know how it is: holidays, etc. It seems innocent in the beginning but after an hour or two I'm totally enveloped in darkness, anger, grief, desolation and LONELINESS!
Loneliness is probably the catalyst. I work alot and wall myself off from friends and family when I know the DAY is coming. I went to church today in hopes that I "would put on the armour of God". I did. But when I got home, all alone, Satan stripped it from me like I was his whore. When you peer into the darkest recesses of your soul, how can I say it politely, IT IS TERRIFYING!
Grief has a hold on me today. My Mom was such a kind, dignified, assertive, caring (too caring) and beautiful woman. My life totally changed first for the worst when she had her stroke in the early 90's. Such a proud, educated, humorous and compassionate woman reduced to an invalid in a wheelchair for the remainder of her life.
We made it the best we could. I finally accepted her prognosis and got away from the shitty thought patterns of "I can't stand to go see her like that in a nursing home". I got my family to keep her involved in our lives whether it would be going there or bringing her home to us. Sometimes I needed shoulders to cry on and prodding to do his but I did. But you know what - Mom was happy when we spent time with her. And I was happy too.
It was hard to watch her die. I had warning. We came back to Asheville and held a bedside vigil for 4 days.I had to convince my sister that it was okay to let her go - ie: morphine OD. She could never be who she was. She was such an outspoken, radiant and loving soul. No one can hold a candle to her then or now.
She died on Friday, October 10, 2003 at 3:30AM in the Vascular Care Unit at St. Joseph's Hospital with Linda and I at her side. Her imprisonment had ended but my sentance of grief and remorse had begun. I'll never forget driving home at 5AM that morning in shock and getting a call from the funeral home asking permission to embalm her remains. Callous - efficient - who knows.
Funeral Mass & Graveside - I think-wiped from my mind for my own good. Even though I spoke of her passionately.
I have never disclosed some of these details to anyone - save one. Thank you for being there. I wouldn't have survived without you.
But nearly 6 years later, I hurt. It's not a dull pain but sharp and full of agony.
My Mother never got to see me saved in church. I used to blame GOD for her condition and ultimate death. My selfishness once again. My church is an awesome place. I have seen prayers, healings and general miracles I never saw in a catholic church. She would be proud of me getting involved and worshipping the way its supposed to be.
Pastor N said today that he looked out among us and there were people there not wanting to "live" (grab the reigns and worship with all your heart) but "die" (little patty cake claps and praises). I want to LIVE.
Mom - it saddens me I never gave you a grandchild. It was God's will. I wasn't ready. Today - I am a very different man. I'm older and wiser, but I still carry your heart in my chest. It is my sincere hope that God will banish the darkness attacking me today and allow me to do HIS will for HIS KINGDOM. I believe I will be a father one day.
Momma, you know how much I loved you and still do today. But the pain and self destruction must stop. I cannot live in the shoulda and coulda's and despair and regret. I always promised you I will make you proud. Today that is my testimony.
I have rambled but I needed this. Blogging - free therapy. May God bless all who read this and may my Mom's smile light up the heavens and chase away my demons!